Expectations of the Season

The alarm jolted into my brain and I awoke to the dark of winter during a snow storm. Somehow 0605 seems easier when the sun is blazing in and the birds are chirping. But there you have it. We can’t always pick and choose.

I eventually rolled out of bed and convinced myself I would just have a quick shower so I could leave for work those few minutes early. It makes a world of difference in traffic levels. But there you have it. 5 minutes can change an action or an outcome.

I punched the clock (3 years later I still get a kick out of using an actual time clock) with time to spare. I walked down the hall and got my first glimpse of the operating room. Second glimpse told the same story. Monday = Dr. T, Friday = Dr. K. Today is Monday and it’s Dr. K. And there you have it. Things aren’t always what we expect.

Which is a perfect seque into the season isn’t it?

The list was made and items organized, seemingly eons ago. But some actions weren’t taken by various players in the field. Which has translated to the last minute panic feeling of will there be gifts under the tree or not. This is not how I usually roll or at least not to the degree this year is going at. The list is only as good as the actions.

I’ve taken the calendar off the wall 500 times (yes really) and yet can’t seem to organize a single thing. Some days have so much on that I need a detailed sheet. Some days I seem to spend the day walking around the house wondering what it was I was supposed to be doing despite my list of lists. Well ok it’s maybe not that bad but… Expectations versus reality.

One of the things that hasn’t happened this year is daily kindness advent calendar activities and the blog recording of it. My friend and I faithfully did it for 4 or 5 (?) years and somehow this year it never became a conversation. I recalled how much pressure some of it added to an already busy season and decided that it would be all right not to participate this year. My plan is to make a couple of meaningful local donations. But somehow not doing it left an unexpected emptiness. Certainly gave me more time but then I wonder what did I do with said extra time. Certainly not Christmas cards or shopping.

Which leads me to what? Still just walking around in circles with items half done off of this list or that. Meanwhile, someone else decorated the tree, and the house and I walked around, grinch like saying, “we don’t need to use it all,” to no avail. The traditionalist likes what he likes. I am enjoying, like always, the colored lights outside. It adds some cheery notes to the dark mornings and nights.

Perhaps, side note here, that seasonal affective disorder is running rampant in my brain, and I’ve failed to recognize it. It’s certainly been overcast and dull and monotonous. When the sun shines, I follow it from room to room. Ah well, the solstice is 2 days away, and we will tilt again. And maybe that’s the thing; life keeps going and we have a choice about how we show up and what we do.

So I will show up for Christmas, perhaps without Little Man C’s late ordered gift, and I will enjoy what is most important and try to let the rest of the expectations fall to the way side. I will extend my hand to help those I can, and that makes me so grateful that I have the means to do that. We will do a light tour with the little ones and build a gingerbread house but perhaps it won’t be timely. The Christmas lights will brighten my outlook even if the sun won’t shine.

I will count my blessings and celebrate because we will be together. It won’t be perfect, and it might be messy on many levels, but that’s life isn’t it?

My hope is that those who wander in here and read will also be inspired to enjoy what comes their way this holiday season. That despite the commercialization of the season joy can be settled into.

Bernie