Posted in grandchildren, health, Self Care

Not at Peace

My mind tonight is more restless than my legs. The somber predictions announced today by the Canadian Government weigh heavily, intermingled with the family worries of layoffs and isolation.

I count my blessings. I try to let go of what I can’t control, which frankly is about 98% of what is percolating around in my head. The gratitude is there and yet everything seems so … unsettled. It seems like the only word that will come to mind.

The wind tempo picks up outside and offsets the steady breathing of my other half. I give up and wander downstairs. Finding the blessing in the fact that at least I’m at home and don’t have to work in the morning. Insomnia sucks enough without an early alarm or being in someone else’s home where prowling at night seems out of place.

I rework the budget and tighten the belt a little more so that we can settle in for the long haul. I feel so incredibly thankful that I put in my 39 years and walked away with a decent pension. I also know that my casual employment will be there again when this is over and so I can look forward to that. Our investments, like everyone else’s, will just have to stay put for the long term run next they will climb back up. I make a mental note to talk with our financial advisor about a couple of items and leave a note of gentle reminder to my other half about doing the taxes this weekend.

I write the blog as it often helps to consolidate my ramblings. I think about the bigger picture; a 100 years ago Vimy Ridge lay covered in the bodies of so many dead Canadians and yet the country prevailed. Following on the heels of that blow was the 1918 Spanish flu that decimated even more around the world. The world picked itself up, dusted itself off and resumed.

Will the world be the same? That’s impossible to say at this moment. Perhaps some lessons will be learnt; by scientists, by nations and by the people themselves.

I had seen the writing below without any context, making the rounds on social media. It’s a 2020 poem by a retired American teacher/chaplain named Kitty O’Meara. Interesting that it keeps getting credited back to the 1869 cholera outbreak. Where, the world once again, had to pick itself up. Just like then we can’t see the enemy, unlike in war. The invisibility of it, the lack of protection from it, especially for those on the front line, is what’s so scary. The tone on the news tonight was that, until a vaccine is developed for it, this is the new normal. I think that’s what tipped the scales for me tonight onto the dark side.

But…. If I read the above words and if I focus on what I can control and what is good then I’ve got this.

I’m incredibly blessed to be able to video my grandchildren daily. I talk often with family and friends. I text regularly with my health care providers friends and ask about their mental health. I offer virtual hugs to all. I stay busy during the day with a wide assortment of projects. That’s never an issue. We have the space inside and out for good mental health in our relationship and our physical distancing. There is, as always, freezers full of food and the cold storage room. The blessings are there.

It’s when the night rolls on and sleep alludes me that I struggle. I think of the things that are missing; the special times with the grandchildren. Pizza nights with our kids. Dessert club with our friends. Patio parties to welcome spring. And I grieve a little bit but then I re-balance because tomorrow the sun will rise and I will roll out of bed (not early obviously) and go about the day. I will bike, read stories on video, clean bathrooms (’cause pandemics don’t just suddenly mean the bathroom is cleaner) and go for a walk. I will spend some creative time and some couples time. We will eat well and with any luck the sunshine will appear. All will be as right in my world as it can be at this moment and that’s what I will work on mastering.


PS – yes I’m ok. Just the act of writing the concerns down helps a lot. Knowing that my kind readers are listening helps immensely. I also think that what I have verbalized is probably running through the heads of a lot of people during this world wide crisis.


I have had a love of the written word for my entire life. It's no surprise that eventually I found a platform where I could write. It's random; sometimes funny, occasionally sad, maybe even at times from anger and I lean towards creative photography and hands on crafts. I have a few blogs that high light these interests.

17 thoughts on “Not at Peace

  1. Lately, I have discovered that focusing on my diaphragm movements works well for me when I wake up in middle of the night ( are you laughing 😂 Bernie?) Instead of worrying about the situation I am forcing on my slow breathing technique to relax my mind and body. It’s working like a charm lately 😴


    1. I was just thinking about you yesterday and hoping you were ok during this crazy time and today a comment. Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the tip.ivd tried the deep breathing, sometimes for like 30 minutes. Then I sing, in my head, the same little song over and over and over. Then usually give up and get up for a while. I hope you are keeping well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Bernie, when I sing in my head in middle of the night my body usually gets more energized and excited 😆
        I am very touched I’ve got someone thinking of me in Canada 🇨🇦💫


      2. I sing a childhood ABC song that is very low key. And sometimes it works. The problem is I can sing it on auto pilot while part of my brain functions elsewhere so it doesn’t always work!.
        I always enjoy your blogs and your outlook and really wondered if you were ok as it had been a while.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You are clever women, Bernie! ‘ on auto pilot ‘ that’s what I am recognizing about my brain as well 😆. Because of this pandemic I’ve got involved in communicating with many people in our area it took me lot of time and energy. I feel calmer now 😌


  2. I don’t know where you found it, but the poem is perfect! Reading that every day should help reset our priorities, and help us realize how fortunate we all are, each and every day! Hugs!


    1. It was circulating the internet — giving the writer her 15 minutes of fame as she said. It is easy to remember what we have even in the face of the unknown. It’s just hard to put the worry to sleep. Thanks for the hug.


  3. Check out this rather comforting podcast on CBC Ideas “ Take it like a Stoic”, which ties in nicely with your thoughts on control.Deirdre gave it a thumbs-up too.


    1. I sure will check it out. Nice to have you drop in with a comment Renee. I am sure you two are doing well at the self isolating but here’s a virtual hug for you and D.


  4. Love the poem!!
    We all have our contemplative days, that’s normal-I think. The important thing is that we don’t go down the rabbit hole and stay there for long.
    Our thoughts are not facts. So we listen to the facts


    1. I seem to be avoiding the rabbit hole and just getting some insomnia time. The facts — I guess that’s the rub. I could have done without the projections and just lived in the world that had us opening up our lives again by mid June. Of course those are just projections and not facts. Good point.
      Thanks for stopping in to comment.


  5. Insomnia is my new nighttime companion. Restlessness my new daytime stalker.
    As you said so beautifully Bernie, what you wrote is on the hearts and minds of most.
    Virtual hugs. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay connected. ❤


    1. Insomnia has stalled me for over a decade and it’s a regular struggle. Not surprised that it’s come back to roast for a while.
      I’m ok during the day as I keep busy ++ with the variety of projects I’ve got spread out around the house.
      Thanks for the comment, the hugs and well wishes. Hope the sun shines for you today and that you escape in the car for a view deeper down 22X. Take care and thanks so much for connecting.


  6. I hear you on the restless nights, Bernie. We think things are not weighing on us until we try to sleep and then sleep eludes us. Same story for me last night and I do not sleep long at the best of times. Stay well. Allan


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