Posted in grandchildren, Random ramblings, retirement, Self Care

Deep Abyss

The title wedged into my brain as it wrestled awake to a nocturnal hot flash. My mind whirled with concepts as my arms slashed against the covers. Amazingly enough the concept and title resided in my brain upon awakening.

It’s whether the words and the feelings can actually be translated into cohesive words and actually articulate where the whirling is going. Or maybe it is gnarling. Like gnarly wood. Twisted. Convoluted.

The deep abyss is like a void. This intense crater of space.

It’s being filled with projects, Little A time and a casual job. The ski trip felt like a usual holiday but the time since has felt heavy in my hands. It’s not that I can’t fill the time. It’s that the time seems just to drift. That there is stuff but no purpose.

I’m really not sure I’ve got it articulated well enough. It’s the focus that comes with a 38 year career in the same field. It’s having my finger on the pulse of that. It’s the commitment and connections of those 38 years; the 12 years of the same surgeons weekly. The nurses who were so integral to my compassionate care and dedicated teaching. It’s the ebb and flow of a fast pace high stress living breathing entity that was my profession. I felt ready for the change. But like how women forget about the pain of child birth a month later; I’ve forgotten about the push push push, the lists of demands on my time and the sheer exhaustion I was carrying around. I’ve forgotten how I often felt I was in the wrong place. I’ve let slip the repetitive nature of the operating room.

I’ve still got my profession but it’s at a much easier pace. It comes with windows, healthy patients and a casual schedule. It’s allows for pool time with Little A, quilting time for the new baby, connecting with friends and a less tired body.

But being busy isn’t the same as fulfilling the void.

I listened to a young woman tonight speak from her heart. She’s fulfilling her life’s dream. The passion oozes out of her.

Perhaps it isn’t the routine or the schedule that I need so much. Perhaps it’s the passion. The commitment to a cause or a dream or a calling.

Funny when people plan for retirement they spend a lot of time on finances. The experts also say to have things to do. I’ve got all the above stuff laid out but, at this point, there seems to be a void.

I have no clue if anyone will even understand what I’ve written. It’s gnarly.

Bernie

4 thoughts on “Deep Abyss

  1. What you are experiencing makes sense to me – can’t deny that I went through some similar feelings and thoughts. But I would say that you need to give it a bit more time to adjust, while you are focusing on the positive things about retirement. And look for something you are passionate about – it seems like some level of passion and intensity is part of your personality and you need that as an outlet.

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    1. I think that’s what I realized yesterday listening to D passionately talk about what she’s doing. I can fill the time but I need to find that one thing that sparks my passion and intensity. The causal job is good as it gives me the patient contact that I’m obviously still enjoying. I will, as time unravels, find the item that I need. I’m quite sure of it but at least I am glad to have articulated what’s been raddling around in my head for a couple of weeks.

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  2. I totally understand. Even though my job isn’t as demanding as yours I still need a purpose. Blair always tells me to quit. But I need to do something other than sitting in my house!

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