Overwhelmed 

It happens to me far more often than I wish. Interestingly enough I can see the “trend” in my year long haiku diary and journalling over the past several years. There is always a time in the spring when I feel overwhelmed. It directly relates to not being in control of items or issues and it makes me very uncomfortable, edgy and occasionally emotionally labile. I find it odd that it hits in the spring when the sun is returning to the sky and the grass starts to turn green. It should happen in November when the grey skies close in and the sun light hours reduce but it seems to hit around this time every year. I can’t really explain the rationale behind it.

There are occasionally events that make me feel like it is a time management issue when the list of priorities is bigger than the time left in any one day or week or month. It requires a realization that I can’t do it all and so I itemize and allocate a weight to each task so that I can map out what steps to take first.

Another trigger is when there is a physical feature that is out of control The downstairs storage room was a trigger for quite some time as was the main floor closet. Quilting friends joke about my “lack of a fabric stash” but truthfully too much fabric makes me feel deluged. I need to feel like I am in control of what comes next. For today the activating factor was the loft of the garage as we have so much stuff up there — salvaged wood, furniture, windows, doors plus odds and sods that it affected my mood today.

But I suspect that the real reason it occurs in March is that it is tax season and just past RRSP deadline. Both of these items require a yearly budget review which brings us face to face with our bottom line. Which has red in it and not black but then I remind myself to look around and enjoy the fruits of our labour and income. As we near retirement it takes on a bigger weight in my mind and seems I am writing truthfully I can say that I don’t want to be nursing in 5 years. I look forward to enjoying the early years of retirement with, perhaps a part time job, but more time to devote to the things I miss when the 40+ hour work week is in full swing. 

 Now I fully understand that there are far bigger issues in the world and in my world. I have faced this feeling many times before and it has often been related to family issues, grief, friendship failures and professional incidents. These are all much more serious and rock my world in a huge way. I hug my man a lot, make lists, write, talk with friends and walk the dogs while ruminating. I fully understand how life can throw anyone such a serious hardball, that devastation can be the all encompassing.

Which is why I usually, after a brief period of introspective perspective realize that I have to look at my blessings which are so plentiful, find the positives and work on the items that I can control while disengaging with the factors that are beyond my grasp.

Your time in the valleys heightens your appreciation of mountain views.

Adam van Koeverden 

Bernie

2 thoughts on “Overwhelmed 

  1. morganmg78 April 6, 2015 / 8:59 am

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Hoping things calm down soon and get a little more peaceful.

    Like

    • bernielynne April 6, 2015 / 9:16 am

      Thanks Morgan for the comment and the support. I have already put it into perspective and now am taking the steps I need to take so that things are in better balance. I think it’s really that I am so looking forward to retirement that I am striving so hard to turn red to black. I love nursing but I also find it so physically demanding (which is very true in my particular service) that I look forward to the post work era. But I just need to buckle down, quit thinking the R word like some of my other friends and settle in for the duration.

      Like

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